I think I understand now......why God sometimes permit undesirable things to happen in my life. That sometimes God puts me to the exact opposite situation I hoped for. And to actually live day by day to the situation I know I'll be at my worst.
Just so you know, before I actually understood God, I've shed countless tears and I've lived with self pity and depression. To those who are close to me, you know how narcissistic I've been and I apologize and thank you for coping up with my attitude lately.
I have lost my appetite in patience and forgiveness.....and I started to chase life again, running miles to nowhere. Never ending search to the question I didn't even know.
...I think I understand now.
The only reason why God permits struggles in life is because of His ultimate lesson He wants me to understand. ---that is, to LOVE DEEPLY.
My dreams and my life has been put to death because He wants me to understand love.
Last year, I prayed for a CHANGED HEART. I asked God to give me a MORE sincere and loving heart, serving and praising Him with all my might. (The time that I prayed that, I was in the HEAT of my faith and my life has been at ITS BEST, so far)...... after praying that prayer, God has allowed more struggles, hardships and countless trials in my life. I fell down the ground trampled by anger and hatred asking why God has let all those bad things happen to me. Questions like, "if God loves me, why did he allow suffering in my life?"
LOVE.
"Love, jez. Not only to the people and the situation you CHOOSE to love. But also to the things undesirable and unpleasant to your eyes. You prayed and asked me to change your heart, and I've given you an opportunity to change it." -GOD
I wont worry about the death of my life and dreams anymore! God can actually ressurect it, just like how He ressurected my heart from death :)
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