http://vimeo.com/23837655

Thank you for being one of the best people in my life. Thank you for teaching me so many things and thank you for loving me everyday :)

IM JUST DONE WITH ALL THE KADRAMAHAN

I want to end the year leaving all my emotions and kadramahan behind. This time I'll say bye bye to negativity and hello to a worry free life. It is because we all are made to be happy! We are made to enjoy all the good things in life. And we are here to fulfill our ultimate purpose.

I think I understand now......why God sometimes permit undesirable things to happen in my life. That sometimes God puts me to the exact opposite situation I hoped for. And to actually live day by day to the situation I know I'll be at my worst. 

Just so you know, before I actually understood God, I've shed countless tears and I've lived with self pity and depression. To those who are close to me, you know how narcissistic I've been and I apologize and thank you for coping up with my attitude lately. 

I have lost my appetite in patience and forgiveness.....and I started to chase life again, running miles to nowhere. Never ending search to the question I didn't even know.

...I think I understand now. 

The only reason why God permits struggles in life is because of His ultimate lesson He wants me to understand. ---that is, to LOVE DEEPLY.

My dreams and my life has been put to death because He wants me to understand love. 

Last year, I prayed for a CHANGED HEART. I asked God to give me a  MORE sincere and loving heart, serving and praising Him with all my might. (The time that I prayed that, I was in the HEAT of my faith and my life has been at ITS BEST, so far)...... after praying that prayer, God has allowed more struggles, hardships and countless trials in my life. I fell down the ground trampled by anger and hatred asking why God has let all those bad things happen to me. Questions like, "if God loves me, why did he allow suffering in my life?"

LOVE.

"Love, jez. Not only to the people and the situation you CHOOSE to love. But also to the things undesirable and unpleasant to your eyes. You prayed and asked me to change your heart, and I've given you an opportunity to change it." -GOD

I wont worry about the death of my life and dreams anymore! God can actually ressurect it, just like how He ressurected my heart from death :)

I am so freaking annoyed. I didn't imagine my life to be like this. Perhaps this is just the fruit of bad decisions. I really feel bad right now. Arrrrg. This is just so lame and not the kind of thing I hoped to be. How did I actually end up with such nonsense. I'm starting to hate this. Like really hate this. There is no fondness nor passion nor affection anymore. No more. I hate this!!!!! Arrrrrg. This is bull. I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont want to be in this anymore. I can't imagine myself in a very lame situation. This is hopeless. I shouldve given this up right before this even started. This is freaking pointless. I want out. FRUITCAKE SON OF A FATFISH!!! I could really use a curse right now!!!



Gaaah you make me sick

Things are changing. Everything. Not even one in this world is constant. ----- I don't exactly know how I would react to this fact... Because for one, change could be good; it could bring improvements, developments and growth. But just what if, change would actually make your life harder?  How would you respond to it?

I don't know. I have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't even say if the way I feel at the moment will be the same 10 years from now, or 5 years, or months or days even. In just a blink of an eye, things change. Just like anybody else, I need assurance... of how my life would be in the coming years.... I have good intentions in my life, but what matters is every single decision I make everyday in my life.. because I may have good intentions yet if i do bad decisions as early as today, my future can suffer.....

I don't know why Im feeling  this right now.....but I just wanna cry... I'm looking for answers that is already answered. How did I end up feeling like this? All I wanted is a smooth simple life, serving God and doing well in school.... How did I end up with a life so complicated? Is it only I that complicates it? 

Sad..

I thought I already know.... but I have no idea... Suddenly, questions ran through my head.... I already know the answer but still, there is this tiny spark of hope that maybe I'm wrong with my assumption. I hope that God would help me with this. I know He would, I'm just not sure if it's the same way I have in mind......

I have one of the best things that I have to sacrifice....not for myself or to anyone... but for Him. It seems surreal but I have to. I need to..... What He has planned for me is great and I have faith in Him. I dont wanna go back to my old self again. I dont wanna be selfish or self absorbed... I know God will give me enough time to pray and to know His will and purpose... May He bless me and may He expand my borders that I can face my endeavors strongly.....

I am so touched with this video. It's true that God will stick with me forever when everything else doesn't. I'm so glad that He's right here with me. I know I'm not perfect however, His perfect will, His mercy and His grace will be sufficient to bring joy from all the heartaches I'll be experiencing and to fill me in from all my shortcomings. :)